I like to imagine that all the opinions I hold about people are stored in a single, dusty file cabinet that looks like it was bought at Office Max during a clearance sale in 1995. Each cabinet holds hundreds of alphabetically organized manilla folders whose contents contain my thoughts on a myriad of different things. Under the letter 'A", you'll find 'Adam Sandler: A Living Argument For Forced Retirement (Or, push comes to shove, euthanasia.) Under 'B' you'll most like find 'Butthair Shaving and How To Avoid The Brown Ring Of Pain.' And so on, but I've always considered the manilla folder in which I hold all opinions about Don Lemon to be as concise as it was unfavorable. Which is to say that it is essentially a simple statement reading "Glad to see a black man on air in a predominately white industry but (and this is a Nicki Minaj's ass 2 days after injections sized BUT) his unceasing side-hustle as devil's advocate combined with his Instagram thirst trap level of fame whoring had made the man as unpalatable as jerk chicken prepared in a Mormon household."
I remained steadfast in my avoidance in headlines that contained his name like most people avoid debit cards that contain Russell Simmons'. And this has served me well for longer than I have the ability to recall right now because, well, I've been hitting the Fruit By The Foot and Hennessey pretty hard the last few hours. Lately, though, I've noticed....
Don Lemon will boss up on a bitch in a Facebook minute.
Gotta say, much like a Trump presidency and any combination of food from CookOut that doesn't immediately have you googling legitimate exorcists that specialize in haunted toilets, I didn't see this coming. But so far I've been absolutely tickled negro at the combative incisiveness Don Lemon has exhibited himself to have in the shadow of President Orange Julius. Incisiveness that has done much to, well, not actually do anything to diminish the unceasing campaign of low-expectation, dime-store coonery he's been waging all these years, but enough to at least get me to crane my head over to a TV with CNN on the background with an expression of wonder because I have no fucking idea what it looks like when I see this man doing his job.
The latest instance of this occurred during a discussion panel of talking heads covering the used condom placed in America's can of Mountain Dew that is the Trump presidency. The bell tolled for thee when expired deli meat at a white supremacist potluck Jefferey Lord described President Donald Trump as the "Martin Luther King of health care" which, as grossly misrepresentative of MLK and outright insulting to his legacy as it is, what does that actually mean? Like in real life and shit? Was Dr. King's I Have A Dream speech in reality about lower compound percentages when factoring the cost of generic prescription drugs for a chronic illness? Was his March on Washington, in fact, a metaphor for the unnecessary amount of steps it takes to find a primary care physician? When he was beaten to within an each of his life by police and even civilians who, in that era, could be accurately described as 'mildly casual racists", was it part of a guerilla advertising campaign aimed at showing consumers what a 'beating' they took on monthly premiums?
Then again, definitely not.
Despite Jeffrey Lord handing the entire CNN panel a solid legal defense of "The Nigga Had It Coming," they used their intellectual acumen and words to dress this man down like Cinderella at Neiman Marcus when the credit cards get declined. I expected this from the other pundits, but not Don Lemon (See: thirstiness mentioned above and/or dime store coonery.) Either way, I'm here for it, and as glad as I am to have consensus with Don, I'll still be watching with some degree of suspicion waiting for him to turn like the tuna casserole at a strip club buffet.