Donald Trump on Black History Month: "We Freed Who Now?"

What would you say it is that makes Trump dangerous? The fact that his intellect could be measured in gummi bears? Perhaps it's because that he could be baited easier than the entirety of Cobra Kai, except that instead of an epic karate exhibition that will reverberate throughout all of human history, he has nukes.

Johnny from Cobra Kai has nukes.

Is he about to beat the ass of some out of town loser or is he about to aggressively grab some
unconsenting pussy?  My guess is both.

Obviously, all of these things make Trrump more dangerous than a groupie telling a famous basketball player "No, don't worry about going out to get condoms. I'm on the pill." But it also makes his stupidity unfailingly dependable. Pretty much like the father from Growing Pains, but instead of sage advice with strong Christian undertones, he can only offer democratic uncertainty and the assurance that the United States has become court jester to the international community.

Our president just remarked that, as he's recently noticed, this Federick Douglass character and all the other notable negroes in the pantheon of What's Covered In 5th-Grade Social Studies have had an impact.

Porn sites with a mobile version have had an impact.

Squeezable bottles containing both peanut butter AND jelly have had an impact.

Febreeze cans in poorly ventilated bathrooms have had an impact.

"And let us not forget, Privacy Tab, hallowed be your name. Your subjects come, your will be done, from our screens as it is in the search history. Give us this day, our daily wank, and forgive us our foot fetishes, as we also have forgiven the slow page load times. And lead us not into forgetting to exit this tab once we finish, but deliver us from embarrassment and fury when we inevitably do forget.'"

These people have shaped and molded the nation in which you call home under a level of adversity and difficulty not even 1980s video game juggernaut Galaga can even conceive of. Men and women whose stalwart determination and core decency would be diminished if you were even to drive past the public library that housed their biographies.

So, please do the nation at least a little courtesy by silencing both yourself and your Coalition of Unemployed Negroes. You and I both know that they're nothing but your window dressing there to collect a check. Give them their money and complimentary 25$ Applebees gift card and be done with it.

Frederick Douglass was an African-American social reformer, abolitionist, orator, writer, statesman, and former slave. But, yeah, he totally has time for your bullshit.

Why Iago Would've Been A Better Choice Than KellyAnne Conway

One of these things is a narrow-minded yet exhaustively confounding pawn in the grand scheme of a nefariously fuckshit-laden authoritarian. The other is a talking bird who, despite possessing a voice that would only be considered appropriate for an ISIS-made execution video, can carry a decent tune and has all the dance moves needed to steal your girl from you during senior prom. Nonetheless, on the Venn diagram of abject fuckery, these two overlap in ways that'll become even more apparent once you realize that there's a reasonably good chance KellyAnne Conway is also a fictional character voiced by Gilbert Godfrey.


Meanwhile, the character of "Donald Trump" is voiced by a pulsating anus as it tries in vain to digest Chipotle.

Conway is the counselor to the President as Iago is the lone voice of callous reason to a Rory Gilmore-esque, unhinged egomaniac. A character description Kellyanne has gleefully Chinese finger-trapped herself to for the rest of all recorded history and human memory. It doesn't take nine months of Political Science night classes at a 3rd rate community college to figure out that someone with such a deficit in relevant skills for the position he currently occupies is entirely beyond the benefits of counsel. For instance, would you counsel a late 80's Atari on how to navigate the nuances present within international diplomacy summits?

Just know that if you answered yes to that question, you're the reason why Jesus cries himself to sleep at night.

Why Father!?! Why do your children feel the need to dab and Snapchat while driving? 

At least Jafar has an extensive history as chancellor to the Sultan to inform his decisions, even if said decisions have all the moral content of throwing a cup of hot coffee in a child's face while standing in line at Target because the little son of a bitch wouldn't stop singing the theme song to Yo Gabba Gabba. I'm sure Kellyanne's nutritionist has choice words ready for his patient considering that since she joined Trump's campaign last July, she has subsisted on nothing but a steady diet of ill-seasoned artisanal bullshit. And not your normal "let's go to the local farmer's market because they sell organic.' type ish, either. This level of bullshit can only be granted to you by a wizard on top of a mountain only AFTER you complete his epic quests of casual racism.

Iago, on the other hand, is only concerned with whatever his master has relevant to their lives. I assure you that neither Iago or Jafar has any interest in building a wall to block immigrants from entering Agrabah, nor does anything about suggest that they are likely to appoint a dentist with neither knowledge or interest in the occult as the Head of Oversimplified Magic Shit. Meaning that Iago has no legislative ambitions on social issues he has no familiarity with or is expected to participate in an administration that appears only to hire department heads ironically. Plus, not to belabor the point, but he can sing and dance like Hugh Jackman in Les Miserables. KellyAnne can't sing at all. In fact, I'm confident that her singing voice sounds like a deer getting skinned alive while watching the second season of True Detective. I'm as sure of this as I am that she dances like a drunk panda on stilts. Real talk.

Like this, but with less concern for keeping our borders open to refugees.

I know that she is an accomplished woman with credentials I only mean to emphasize. We all witnessed her "alternative facts" chicanery and I know that no amateur can go on national television as she did and maintain a straight face while simultaneously spouting enough lies that, if Pinocchio had done it, would've killed at least 43 people and two pigeons all by stabbing them in the face with his ever expanding nose. It's just that her job as Trump's counsel is as pointless as going into a White House press meeting hoping that someone from the administration will say something dumb enough to make people briefly consider the merits of a national eugenics program. It's something as inevitable as the tide, at least, for as long as our climate change deniying head of The EPA says we have a climate.

Mediocre Negro Is Everything We Didn't Know We Needed.

Personally, I can't say that I recall a time in which just hearing someone speak was enough to give me pause in whatever it was that I was doing and immediately focus all of my attention. Wait, hold on, I actually can remember at least one occasion, but that held greater significance. That particular instance was when I watched President Obama step onto the proscenium to accept the Democratic Nomination for President of The United States. I watched, riveted, as my eyes were brimming with unshed tears and I remember thinking to myself about the unparalleled historical significance of such a moment as well as the superhuman levels of ass Michelle was surely going to put on him later on that evening. No, this moment isn't as broad reaching as Obama's nomination. However, it still leaves a deep impression on me. That moment being when Marc Lamont Hill accurately described all the black celebrities used as props for photo ops with Trump as "mediocre negroes."

The cavalcade of regrettable coons that have been touted out like old theater props and photographed close to Trump has all but begged for the categorization of "mediocre negroes." Hill makes it a point to mention that most of the black celebrities who, if they were strippers at Magic City, wouldn't make the B-Squad of that night's lineup even if every other stripper was stricken with a sudden case of shingles and restless leg syndrome.

The best that Trump's team has been able to accrue are noted public figures whose relationship with Black America is almost entirely a pre-conceived notion of White America if not severely strained. There's Kanye West, a man so deep within the Kardashian-void that his entire consciousness and belief system has been converted into "Whatever Kris Jenner Believes Will Generate The Most Headlines." Or maybe it's best to turn the lens towards everyone's favorite shucking and jiving uncle that somehow managed to fetishize Crest 3D Teeth Whitening Strips, Steve Harvey. Steve Harvey is so craven for the acceptance of White America that he has done everything in his house-nigga repertoire to demean and undervalue his core audience by selling problematic tenets of Respectability Politics under the guise of sage advice. Lastly, we could take a gander at Don King standing behind Trump wearing what can only be described as a Canadian Tuxedo bedazzled to the point that even those afflicted with blindness would be forced to turn away, lest they further damage their eyes. Grinning as if he'd finally found the secret to achieving legendary Coon status which is, ironically, even more Cooning.

Mediocre Negro is anything and everything that would accurately describe the parade of "Meh" that is currently wading in and out of the Trump Tower. I thank Mr. Hill for giving a name to what I suspect is an early movement of self-hating black people that now have martyrs that have burned themselves at the altar of Black Twitter all for the facade of White acceptance. I'm certain they've gotten tired of only having Stacey Dash as a spokesperson and therefore appreciate the new bevy of options available.

Things Rob Schneider Can Do Instead Of Whitesplaining Black History.

  • Volunteer at your local library. Your service can be anything from administrative tasks to making sure each piece of reading material is in accordance with the Dewey Decimal System. Not only will this be a boon to your community, but also provide you with the chance to research the instances in which White People unnecessarily inserted themselves into matters concerning people of color and the unfortunate consequences that followed.
  • Join a local gym that focuses on teaching kickboxing to novices. Not only would you get an opportunity to learn about a practice that puts an emphasis on self-discipline and forethought, but there's a high possibility of you getting front kicked in the teeth thereby making this entire article moot.
  • Throat-fuck a Dyson V6 Motorhead Cordless Vacuum Cleaner.
  • Sign up for the free online classes offered by MIT that aim to teach people how to code. Not only is it a valuable tool as we become more dependent on technology in regards to functioning in modern society, but it will also give you inside knowledge on how ill-thought fuckery is immortalized on social platforms like Twitter and anywhere else someone decides to show their ass on a public forum.
  • Join witness protection under the stipulation that they change your address, name, facial features, and even orchestrate an entirely new backstory complete with a cover family as it will add an extra layer of realism. Of course, all of this will be in the efforts of making sure Adam Sandler does not have any means of contacting you so you could be in another one of the cinematic Hiroshimas he calls a movie.
  • Learn how to reupholster vintage furniture. You can add an extra fashionable aesthetic to an otherwise drab space while cultivating the visual metaphor of your apparent desperation about transforming a piece from being a discarded bit player in an ensemble of unquestionable garbage to something slightly adjacent to relevance.
  • Having all the seats from now on until the end of eternity.
  • Candle Making. Suprisingly, it's actually very enjoyable.
  • Start a home-brewing kit in your garage. After studious commitment and some degree of trial and error, you could eventually market and subsequently profit from your beer making endeavors. At that point, people will begin to associate you and your brand with refreshingly tasty beers instead of movies with all the hilarity of a pediatric cancer ward or tweets emblematic of an intellect irreparably damaged from years of proximity to scripts written by Adam Sandler.
  • Contact your primary care physician in regards to making appointments for routine check-ups. Men of a certain age have to be vigilant since they are at risk of certain neurological, cardiatric, and, especially, colo-rectal illnesses. In your case, colo-rectal illnesses should be a chief concern considering most of your publicly stated opinions originate from within the depths of your cavernous asshole.

Is It About Buttons? No? Then Why Is Steve Harvey Meeting With Trump?

Steve Harvey is to black ambassadorship as a broken fax machine bought at a yard sale in 1998 is to finding the one true King of Westeros. The man is about as well versed in sociopolitical affairs as he is in not looking like a 19th-century puppet made for the sole purpose of performing in shoddy minstrel shows. I would not trust this man in a closed-door meeting with a half-eaten box of Frosted Cheerios much less with our living Instagram-filter Molester-In-Chief. Yet, here we are.

If Steve Harvey received a shiny gold coin for every time he contributed to the fiction that black women were not worthy of marriage without his misogynistic and condescending coaching; he'd put them on every suit he owns. This being said, there isn't exactly too much of a Scooby Doo mystery here when it comes to figuring out what common ground these two men are able to find with each other. Both men have proven themselves to be exceptionally savvy in taking the parts of their character that, for most people, would warrant committing Seppuku in the middle of a Mattress Firm and turning it into a profitable business. The opinions they seem to share about a "woman's place" would elicit gasps from even the most regressive brothel owner in Victorian-era London. And, lastly, both appear to accrue gaudy and ostentatiously shiny trinkets as if the knick knacks were a physical manifestation of their dicks.

Neither of these men has the best interests of their followers in mind, and there's no doubt that they approached this meeting with ulterior motives as one would approach a business proposal. Trump, to appear as if he gives more than a warm can of Canada Dry ginger ale about anything in Black America simply by pandering to someone he believes to hold the hearts and minds of black America. And Steve Harvey, by shifting the narrative of his recent missteps away from incipient senility and casual racism to something he believed would put a bit more polish on that corduroy-creased, bacon-greased forehead of his. Despite both being as transparent as a saran wrap condom, we let the meeting consume our individual feeds if only for the sheer absurdity of seeing an orange man and someone who sees no problem with using lite brites as crowns for his teeth, pose for a photo op. And I have a distinct feeling that absurdity is going to be the running theme for at least the next four years.

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